LBM 2: An Arizona Kind


Hurling Reggie

Just as Dawn was putting her phone back into her purse, regretting ever thinking she could appeal to Shaun’s non-existent softer side, she heard a car screeching along the curb out front. It was Shaun – but minus the makeup. Her hair looked like she’d been running through tall weeds, chasing chickens.

Dawn ran to the doors and locked them before Shaun could get in. She hadn’t come alone though; assisting her was Reggie, a five pound, twelve inch black dildo she was holding by the balls.

There she was, outside the salon, banging on the door glass, wearing one sandal, pointing and yelling obscenities.

One could only imagine what she was thinking; staring at that crazy bitch outside her shop with a rubber cock in her hand that was flopping around in the wind.

“Oh my god, you lying bitch! I knew you stole it, you crazy cock thief! Get that goddamn thing off my window before you break it!” Dawn yelled.

“Well, seeing as how I forgot to refill my crazy-bitch-pill-candy jar,” Shaun screamed, “I’m completely okay with that. But all I can think about is you, baby. Let me in, I want to play! It’ll be so much fun. Now open the fucking door before I tear it down!”

“I’m not opening that fucking door. You are insane!” Dawn yelled back.

“Okay bitch, I warned you,” Shaun said as she started stepping back from the glass, winding her arm up like the pitcher on a girls’ softball team.

“Last time. Are you gonna open up this goddamn door or not?” Shaun yelled.

“Kiss my ass. I dare you to throw that thing and break my window. I dare you. Dumb ass bitch!” Dawn screamed.

Shaun stood back just a bit further – still winding her arm up – as though the more she winded it, the greater the impact on the glass it’d have.

And in that moment, Reggie had been airborne. Through the glass it went. Completely shattering it. Reggie hit the floor and rolled a couple times.

Even Shaun couldn’t believe what she’d done.

“Holy shit bitch,” she yelled, pointing at the door.

“That’s my Reggie. That black cock will do anything for me. That’s why he gets pussy every night. Hell yeah!” Shaun said.

“But you know what?” Placing her index finger on her bottom lip, “It is so true. Sometimes a bitch just has to let herself in. I mean, that is what you did when you came into my home and laid in my bed, right?”

Wiping her nose with her forearm, walking over broken glass, she looked at Dawn and said, “You were better off just opening the door like I asked you to. This place is just a mess.”

Standing behind a chair holding a broom, Dawn screamed, “What in the fuck has happened to you? The fuck is your problem? What the hell do you want? Leave!”

With the sound of glass breaking under her one sandal and a bare foot, Shaun said, “I missed the ball on this one, I should have done this the morning I found out you were fucking my man, but you know what, silly me, I was trying to stay centered, and now as you can see, that New Age bullshit just doesn’t quite cut the cake for me anymore. Well, at least not in this situation it don’t. Wouldn’t that be like letting you get away with murder? Well, I’m not letting you get away with that shit anymore. I want you to feel the pain, the grief and the goddamn betrayal you dropped on my back. I want blood.”

“Oh my god, you do need help,” Dawn said, sounding unsettled.

“But you didn’t just fuck my man, you had to pass some unforgiving shit to that dumb, dirty dick son of a bitch, too. He’s in my past now, just in case you feel you have the right to know and all. I mean, from what I understood, you were fucking him pretty good at the time, right? Or are you still fucking him? You look like you’re still fucking him. Are you still fucking him? You fucked him so good he shared it with me and now I have it. AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE – the audacity, the balls, to bitch me out for screwing a man who just beat the shit out of me and probably hates my fucking guts now! You have no place and no right to ask, ‘What the fuck happened to me?’ You happened to me! You happened to my life! You fucked my man in our bed! You gave him that shit.”


Jim Bean

Broken down and crying, Dawn said, “Well, hey if you were fucking him right, then he wouldn’t have had to find it elsewhere. I mean what did you have in mind for him? You thought you could just lay there on your back and not throw that wretched pussy back at him? From what I understood, you might as well have been dead or asleep. Apparently he liked how I could pull my knees back to my ribcage, and let him pump dick into me. All I did was give him something different and better to think about when he needed sex. It wasn’t my problem that your man” – grabbing her crotch – “found a sweeter pussy! It’s not my fault he ate where he swam. So get the fuck out of my shop and go find yourself a therapist! Maybe your fucking pill doctor can refer you to a couple! All I was ever trying to do was put the spark back in your relationship, which from what he was telling me, was a goddamn wasteland!”

“Well who the fuck are you to put a spark in anything, other than someone’s hair, you bitch! Yeah, I’m still pretty sore about that shit too,” Shaun said as she picked up a piece of glass and threw it at her.

Her feet were covered in blood as she walked over more broken glass, slowly closing the distance between herself and Dawn.

Grabbing her by the hair with one hand, and reaching for a pair of hair scissors, she cut several inches of Dawn’s hair and stood back with it in her hand.

Smiling, looking at Dawn’s hair, she said, “Well at least it’s not getting the fire treatment!”

“You fucking bitch! You fucking cut my hair off! Look what you did!” Dawn screamed.

“I really want to beat your ass!” Shaun yelled back.

“So consider yourself forgiven! Don’t you ever in your life call me again! How’s it feel to have your hair missing? Can you feel the wind through that shit now, you dirty bitch?”

Looking around at the damage, she pulled out a small bottle of Jim Bean liquor and threw her head back, swigging it a couple times. She wiped her mouth and neck with the inside of her wrist and said, “You better thank heaven for my Jimmy! And clean this place up. Looks like someone threw a used up dick through the window!”

Stumbling out of the salon, she turned around.

“Goodness, I almost forgot something.”

She looked around and spotted her dildo.

“There you are, Reggie. Next time, don’t ask me to throw you, baby. I don’t want you to get involved,” cutting her eyes at a traumatized Dawn. “Momma can handle herself.”

As she stepped backward, leaving the salon, staring viciously at Dawn, she repeated herself one last time, “Don’t you call me, bitch! Ever again!”


Jerry, Room 5

“Jerry, Dr. Sansa will see you now. Jerry, the doctor would like to see you now, Room 5 please. Thank you.”

He walked to room five and waited for Dr. Sansa. He was concerned that Shaun has given him ‘the gift’.

“If that bitch gave me anything, I’m going back to whoop her ass,” he thought.

A knock at the door and in walked a 6’7” Caucasian, Kenny Rogers-look-alike, named Dr. Sansa.

“So Mr. Phelps, what seems to be the issue here today? I see you’re into high-risk sexual activity. Are you burning? Are ya shootin’ fire from your dick? How’s that working out for you?”

“Well, I met this girl, I mean,” – looking out the window – “I met this lying bitch awhile back in a diner, and a few days later, we had sex. When we finished, I went to the bathroom to clean up, and I looked in her goddamn medicine cabinet and saw a fat ass bottle of Valtrex. It looked almost full, must’ve been thirty or forty pills in that goddamn thing. So I’m worried that bitch gave me something, doc. Can you check?”

“Well,” Dr. Sansa said with a smile, “I guess all you need now is a beach cruiser and some soft music in the background. Why didn’t you use a condom young man?”

“I don’t know, shit! It’s irrelevant now. And what’s with all the fucking humor, man? Can we just run a test or whatever the fuck it is you people do around here, and stop with the jokes and shit?”

“Mr. Phelps, tell me she had a nice ass. Just tell me that much. Pull your shorts down and let’s take a look at the lil’ niggling.”

“Niggling?” Jerry asked. “What kind of fucking doctor are you? What’s the name of this office?”

“Mr.Phelps! Pull your man-panties down so I can examine you.”

Jerry stood up, untied his gym shorts and pushed them down.

Looking around his genitals with his eyeglasses hanging from his nose, damn near fondling Jerry, he said, “So many of you young guys come into my office worried that you might have some unlucky issue going on, mind you, after the fact, and it really burns my dick; uh, no offense Mr. Phelps. But aren’t you people worried about catching something before you get going? Just doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“Alright, pull your shorts up. You guys have all the time in the world to buy condoms, but you drive by every goddamn convenience store on the way, and you never stop once, because it’s too much for you to stop; or that it’s too embarrassing to purchase condoms. But it’s much more convenient and not as embarrassing to come see a doctor, right? I swear I aspire to go back to the pediatric office. Babies are a much easier nuisance.”

Speechless and surprised by his language, Jerry said, “But you should’ve seen the ass on that chic. I think it was calling my name. If you saw her, you’d know what I mean. That bitch!”


Wife’s ass

“What’s her name young man?”

“Shaun!” Jerry said. Shaun Paxton, I think.”

Dr. Sansa’s eyes got huge. He looked directly at Jerry, “What did you say her name was again?”

“Shaun Paxton. Why?” he emphasized.

“Oh good heavens, Jerry. That’s my daughter’s name. Are you telling me my daughter is the reason you’re here?”

“What do you mean, your daughter?” Jerry said. “What are you talking about, man?”

“Shaun Paxton! Paxton is her married name. She has a bookstore over on 24th street and her birth name is Shaun Eleanor Sansa. She’s my daughter,” Dr. Sansa said.

“She was married to some piece of shit – just like you, for a couple years. He cheated on her. My wife and I had been urging her to stop dating him for months. She didn’t listen or consider anything we said. They ran off to Vegas one weekend and got married, but their relationship was still pretty shitty. They split up much later, and she blamed me and her mom for it, and we haven’t seen her since. And now, here you come along,” Dr. Sansa said, throwing his hands in the air, “Another black gigolo motherfucker with chicken grease on his dick.”

“Hey fuck you, doc, nigga! I just came down to this bitch to be seen and get tested, maybe even treated, but not to hear your take on niggas. Go chastise your fucking wife, I’m not the one. So treat and release me, man. I got my co-pay. You fucking peckerwood!”

“You jiggle your goddamn fucking mamba dick in my daughter, and you sit here – stressing even – in my office, worried like a nigga going to jail, because you might have a couple bubbles on your balls. Fuck is wrong with you? Didn’t you ever learn about sexually transmitted diseases in high school. Or were you too busy hanging with your homies? That is the first place where you learn about that shit. Did you skip school that semester? For crying out loud, there are brochures, magazines, websites, and shit that you have access to that’ll teach you everything you need or might want to know about STDs. But you black guys are too busy listening to that garbage rap music to even give a fuck about yourselves.”

Then suddenly his voice got animated.

“Hey, how much would it cost for you to come to my house and bang my wife a couple times after I treat your dumb ass? I could leave the bedroom window open and you could come in like a thief in the night and…”

“For you, a million goddamn dollars,” Jerry said, slightly pissed off.

“Whoa! Wait a minute, shit,” Jerry said.

“You want me to have sex with your wife? What the hell is wrong with your cracked-wheat, whole foods from Sprouts eating ass? I’m concerned that I won’t be getting anymore pussy, and you want me to sneak into your home and fuck your wife? Hell no! I’ve been propositioned with wild shit, but never nothing this wild, in my life! I don’t know how you could fix your mouth to even ask me some shit like that! But if your wife wants me to fuck her, I’ll fuck her in the ass until she loves me, you faggot. Where’s she at!?” he said.

Realizing what he said, Dr. Sansa started laughing but then apologized. “Forgive me Mr. Phelps, by no means do I want you to just take my wife without her knowledge. We’re actually filming a home video for an adult movie company. You know, pornos. I think you’d be great. Apparently I don’t have the right equipment to bring that old hag’s inner whore out. She wants a black guy, and I think you’d be perfect for that wrinkled up fuck. With a power tool of a dick like yours, what is this, a Ryobi? I’m pretty sure you can restore my marriage in the process. Whatever you cost, here’s my number. Just let me know.”

“Now, about my train wreck of a daughter. Do you have her phone number? I haven’t talked to her in a long time. I’d like to call her. Can you give it to me, please?”

Feeling quite shitty for talking like he had, about his daughter, Jerry apologized.

“Doc,” Jerry said, “I’m sorry for calling your daughter a bitch, and all. I’m just a little beside myself, you know?”

“It’s okay Mr. Phelps. I’m just hurt to know that it’s my daughter that’s brought you here today. I’m going to give you a prescription for a suppressant just in case, and you’ll also get a shot here shortly just in case you’ve contracted anything else. It’s just precautionary. We’ll give you a call when the results come in.”

“Anyhow, yeah my wife will love you. You are just what she needs in our marriage. Mr. Phelps, you’re all done. Just let me know what you decide, and take this prescription and get it filled right away.”

“Yeah, I’ll let you know my decision later today, and if you ever admire my dick again, I’ll fuck your wife for free, doc!”

“Well, since we’re being frank here, let me tell you something too, you moon cricket. I don’t want to see you or your dick in my medical office anymore either.”

They shook hands and Jerry gave him Shaun’s phone number as he was walking out of the room, closing the door behind him. Dr. Sansa started crying. He couldn’t believe the news about his daughter.

“Paging Dr. Sansa, paging Dr. Sansa,” a nurse said over the intercom. Drying his eyes, he asserted himself, and walked out.


Just Listen

“Have a good day,” Lynne said to her secretary, Lori. She was leaving early for the day. Lynne walked back into her office with her fourth cup of coffee and scrolled through her missed calls. As usual, every time she steps away for even a minute, she misses a bunch of phone calls. Eastian had just called so she called him back. They hadn’t spoken in a few days, and every time she’d try to reach him, she’d get his voice mail.

“Hey, Eastian, it’s me, Lynne. I miss you and I’m sorry for our last conversation, but I want you to know a few things. I think you deserve to know what’s been going on with me. I understand how this all works, but I guess I was wishfully thinking it would work differently for me. So, whenever you get a moment please call me back, I miss you.”

She set her phone down for a moment and looked out the window again, then she picked it back up and called Jerry. To her surprise, his phone was going to voice mail, too.

“Hello honey, it’s Lynne. Give me call when you can, kind of miss you a bit. Talk to you soon.”

She leaned back in her chair, thinking about nothing too far. Slightly lost in a world alone, a woman once without concern for any man is now a woman searching for her identity; through a man. Her emotional independence has unraveled, and all she seems to think about is Eastian, yet when he’s unavailable, she thinks of Jerry.

In her mind, Jerry is just a last minute qualifier. She goes to him when Eastian leaves her hanging – which he’s done very well and on a regular basis.

She hadn’t talked to Dawn in a few hours, so she called her, and to her surprise, Dawn hadn’t answered either. Slamming the phone down – not leaving a message – she rubbed her forehead in frustration.

“Jesus Christ! What the hell’s going on? Is everybody fucking each other today, or what? No one’s answering their phones. This is so damn aggravating.”

Her phone rang. It was Dawn.

“Hey bitch, what’s new? I just called you.”

In a low and unsettled tone, Dawn said, “Crazy bitch just destroyed my salon.”


Glendale, Arizona

“Who? What? Wait, what?” Lynne said.

“Yeah, Shaun just came in here and tore my salon up! There’s glass everywhere. Bitch threw a…” – thinking about how she wanted to say it – “she threw a five pound dildo through the window and now there’s all this broken glass everywhere. She actually drove her ass all the way down here from Glendale with Reggie, and did this.”

“Okay, hold on, girl. Slow down,” Lynne said.

“First of all, who is Reggie? Have I met him? Was that the guy you dated after your divorce?”

“Oh, sorry,” she replied.

“Well I hope you haven’t met him. That’s my, rather, was my kidnapped sex toy that I told you about, or, thought I told you about. Well it came up missing from my panty drawer the night I hosted the sex party, remember? Well, it magically disappeared with Shaun, because she had it when she showed her ass up here. It was a while ago, so I wouldn’t expect you to remember that.”

“Hell no I don’t remember that at all! You never told me you had a dildo. Wait, did you say five pounds? Oh my god! Your snatch must be huge. Where in the fuck do you buy a dick that heavy in the first place? Secondly, why does Shaun have it?”

Silence entered the discussion. They were both a little too embarrassed to even have the word dildo coming from their mouths anymore. Dawn sure as hell didn’t intend on revealing her other habits, yet, it doesn’t make matters any better when Lynne’s got her own questions about rubber dicks.

“I have no idea why she’d take something like that, other than the obvious reason, but the thought of it just grosses me out. I mean, the thought of another woman using another woman’s toys, not like there’s something wrong. Nevermind, you understand what I’m saying,” Dawn said.

This made no sense to Lynne, but her inquisitive nature kicked in and she presumed that Dawn must’ve done something, or she knows something but isn’t saying.

“What brought all this on?” Lynne asked.

“Well I will tell you, but just listen.”


The process

“Shaun and I used to be very good friends, and well, to make it short, I slept with her man, who’s now her ex, and in the process I guess I gave him an STD…”

“In the process?” Lynne asked.

“Is this some sort of corporate oversight? What do you mean, ‘in the process’? You really mean you gave someone something that you knew you already had?”

“Yeah, that’s what I mean, and he apparently passed it on to her,” Dawn said.

“Okay, wait a minute,” Lynne said. “Where did you get it?”

“I got it in college. Remember when we went to Puerto Vallarta during spring break in our final year in college? Remember those two guys we met at Carlos O’Brien and went back to the room with? I think they were from Colorado Springs. Well I think that’s where it happened to me.”

“So, fast forward a bit. Shaun met a guy named Terry or Gary I think, but I forget. Well, this guy beat the shit out of her because she has it, and didn’t tell him. So then, she called me the day after she’d slept with him, explaining everything to me, and I chewed her out. Next thing I know, bitch was pulling up outside my salon with Reggie; the dildo, remember? She threw him through the glass, shattering it, and in she came; throwing my shit around, totally destroying my salon. From the way she looked, he must’ve tried to beat the lemon juice out of that bitch.”

“Hello, Lynne? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m here. I’m just at a loss for words right now. This is so terrible for all of you. I’m so sorry. Are you gonna be okay? Do you want to me to come down there? I don’t feel like being in the office today, as it is. Lori just left not too long ago.”

“No, I’m okay. I don’t think Shaun will be coming back here. But I’ll call you if I do need you. Thanks for listening,” Dawn said.

“Anytime honey. I love you.”


Chandler, Arizona

Ronnie called Jerry and told him to come by the house for a minute. Thirty minutes later Jerry pulled up into the driveway. He hopped out rubbing his nuts. Ronnie was in the drive port cleaning his car out, drinking mimosa, listening to Keith Sweat.

“…Gonna make you sweat girl.” He was singing out of key, and substituting different words in the song, and replacing them with his name.

“Aye, what’s poppin’? Man, I got a couple fly white girls out in Chandler who want to hang out tonight, you know what that means, right?”

He paused for a second, “That means – mu’afucka –  Ronnie Holloway is going to be dick deep in some white pussy, digging up some guts. You rolling with me or what? We can fuck these broads and be out by daylight, nigga.”

Standing there scratching his nuts; yet, before he could respond, Ronnie added, “Aye mu’afucka, why you on my property scratching like that? Take that shit across the street. I don’t want nigga dander floating around my flop spot. Go check my mail.”

“Man, fuck you!” Jerry responded.

“I just came from the damn doctor’s office. I went to this broad house the other night, and after I nutted in her, I went to the bathroom and found a bottle of Valtrex in her medicine cabinet, and some other shit for crazy people.”

Ronnie started laughing, accidentally spilling his drink.

“Goddamn Jerry. You got me spilling this very, very, very, special blend of alcohol, mu’afucka. You still fucking these bitches without a raincoat, nigga?”

Jerry’s been rolling the dice this way – not wearing a condom – for at least ten years, and this time he might’ve finally crapped out.

“See, I told you to stop slinging that motherfucker around like that, without a condom on and shit. I told your black ass you were going to come down with something if you didn’t put a sock on that damn thing – and look atcha now; fidgeting around like you got nerve-damage. Why don’t you do like I do and drive down to Mexico to the pharmacies out there and buy yourself a couple big bottles of amoxicillin? They’re like five or ten dollars a bottle. I don’t fuck around. I always take one or two tablets just to keep my system clean. It’s called regular maintenance, nigga. And I still wear a jimmy hat.”

“You want a drink, Scratchy? I got some Raid if you want to put some on. It’ll kill spiders and roaches. It might even work on your black ass. Maybe spray it a couple times,” he said, laughing.

“So what kind of early Christmas gift did she give you and please don’t tell me I know her?”

“I just found out, this doctor I saw, is her daddy. His name is Kyle Sansa. He has a practice out in the West Valley – in Buckeye.”


Alaskan P-ssy

“Goddamn, please don’t tell me you’re talking about a big tall white boy, with the thick ass sideburns. Is that him?” Ronnie asked.

“Yeah,” Jerry said. “Kind of looks like Kenny Rogers?”

“Yep, I know that mothafucka,” Ronnie responded. “But I was thinking Sean Connery.”

Looking surprised, Jerry asked, “You’ve been down there, too?”

“Yeah, I’ve been down there, but not for the same dumb ass reasons as you. I went down there because I needed a drug test for that bullshit trucking job with Fleming Foods.” “He gave me the drug test. I got the job, but decided I’m not working for no white man. I rather steal pallets from behind grocery stores.”

“So what’s the girl’s name?” Ronnie asked.

“Man, fuck that bitch. I don’t remember her name any-goddamn-more! I just forgot, mu’afucka.”

Still laughing at him, Ronnie asked again.

“Man, what’s the girl’s name, damn? Is your dick burning too? I hope you learn a good lesson from that shit.”

Looking out to the street, still scratching, “That raggedy bitch’s name is Shaun. Why? You want her number? I’ll give it to you if you want it. I’m through with her. You can have her. I should go whoop her ass again. Do you want her number or not?”

“Bullshit, I can’t do nothing with her but put her in some trash or under a palm tree,” Ronnie replied, stirring his drink with his middle finger.

He stopped for a second. A thought came over him, “Oh shit! Wait! You fucked…” snapping his fingers trying to remember her name, “Uh, uh, damn… Shaun? Shaun Sansa or something?”

Looking at Jerry as though time had completely stopped for a few seconds, Ronnie started laughing again, rocking his head back.

“You did, didn’t you? You got that ass, didn’t you?” Ronnie persisted.

Still scratching, Jerry moves further under the drive port, trying to stay out of sun.

“She owns a raggedy ass bookstore on 24th street, right?” Ronnie said.

Pointing at Jerry with a little emphasis in his voice, “Boy, I told your black ass to buy some condoms, look at you; you look desperate for the results. You sound like alligator skin sliding down tree bark, the way you scratching. She had some good ass way back when, though. I tapped her back when she was still on that virgin shit. I tore that sweet ass up. She had that dynamite pussy back then. I wouldn’t fuck her with your dick now, though. I was her first, negro. Remember that! Ronnie Holloway. South Phoenix. Over the summer. Ten years ago. I get all the bitches first!”

“I heard she got married to some piece of shit dude out on the avenues. So what’d the doc give you; Tetracycline, doxycycline?” Ronnie asked, adding more orange juice to his drink.

“He gave me some of that shit and told me to stay out of direct sunlight.”

“You see, that ain’t and wouldn’t be a problem for me, Ronnie-to-the-big-dog-Holloway. I don’t come outside until after dark anyway. Jerry, back to my original question about these bitches I got out in Chandler. They want to hook up – evening style – and serve up some of that Eskimo pussy between their legs.”

“They just moved here from Juneau. Are you coming or not mothafucka? Simple question, simple answer, either you are or you’re not? It don’t make a bit of damned difference to me, I’ll fuck’em both. I just figured you might want in on some action, too. You look like a mothafucka who aint had no Alaskan pussy. This is my third time.”

“I better pass,” Jerry said, “That’d be fucked up of me, to go fuck some other chics, knowing I might have something.”

“Aint that about a bitch!” Ronnie said. “When the hell did you start caring about what these scallywags think? Shit, if I was you, STD or not, I’d just slap a condom on and come on and get some of that ass they given away for free, tonight. You don’t have to see these broads again. For all they know, if you do have something, they’d probably think it happened back in Alaska. Maybe they were out sucking Eskimo dick. Just come along for the ride. They might just want to give us some head.”

Opening the door to the house, “Bring your black ass on in the house, let me show you something real quick, and quit all that damn scratching, don’t touch nothing in my house. I know how you like to steal people’s shit.”


Fucking spade

Eastian found himself in a sticky situation. Alexis set him up to get his ass kicked by a distant friend she slightly knows; a guy name Brian.  He would make it look like it was just an altercation, and not the orchestration of her vindictive personality. Maybe she hadn’t gotten over Eastian’s phone call with another woman, the other day.

So Brian, who had a tattoo of a lion on the left side of his neck, walked up from behind, and started a confrontation with him.

“Hey man, that’s my bitch, bro! The fuck is going on here, Alexis? Who’s the fucking spade?”

“Watch yourself white boy, this aint the sixties. We’re living in modern times and a modern ass whooping will bring you up to speed real mu’afuckin’quick. Like the rest of these good, common folk!”

“Oh hey Brian, I was just looking for you?” Alexis said.

“The hell you mean, ‘Oh, hey Brian?’” Eastian replied.

“You heard her Sambo, now get your fuckin’ meat hooks hands off my bitch, bro!”

“Well it’s pretty fucking hard to call this bitch your bitch, when she’s been choking on my dick for the last several months, white boy! And she loves choking on it, too!”

Brian punched him in the face and his head rocked back for a second. Eastian stumbled backwards a few steps.

“Motherfucker, I know you didn’t just put your grown ass hands on me! A party aint a party until you do that shit right!”

Eastian stepped into Brian and upped the ante with a right punch to his nose and blood trickled from it instantly. His nose was broken. He fell back into the stereo unit.

“Now, that’s how the fuck the draw first blood, white boy. Get your mu’afuckin’ ass up and let me finish beating the shit out of you!” Eastian said.

The fight skated out the door, into the front yard. Eastian hadn’t noticed his phone falling from his belt clip, or Alexis running over and picking it up. She hopped into her car and drove off.

“Alexis! Alexis!” he yelled. She left him there, nearly forgetting about the situation he was in, until Brian grabbed him by the back of his collared shirt and body slammed him on the ground, knuckling him with a lack of mercy. Brian had been training for mixed martial arts, and had been impatiently waiting to use his newly acquired skillsets.


Jamba juice

Sitting in her car, in a Jamba Juice parking lot, with his phone in her hand, it vibrated. A text message came in. She read it, and even responded. Text messages were coming in from Lynne, whom Alexis hadn’t known about, and after having postured herself as him for a few texts, she decided to call the number; from his phone.

Lynne answered in a seductive tone, “Is this the man of my dreams actually calling me for once? Hello Eastian, what are you doing, baby?”

“Sorry bitch, this isn’t Eastian,” Alexis said. “Are you fucking my man?”

“Excuse me? And who might you be, besides just a piece of ass? I’ve been trying to fill that position for several months.”

Hearing this information, Alexis hung up. Pissed off, she threw her drink out the window, punched the gas, and headed back to the party to confront him.

Lynne was completely caught off-guard by the female voice on the other end, and was probably trying to figure out why another woman would have Eastian’s phone; that is, if it wasn’t any kind of obvious, yet.


In the driveway

They were still going at it. Eastian picked Brian up and body slammed him over a motorcycle with the monkey bar handles and watched him as he passed out.

“Yeah, get the fuck up white boy! Get the fuck up!” He spits a mouth full of blood on him. Both of them bloody, both of their shirts ripped and missing buttons.

He reached for his phone but realized it wasn’t there, yet, he wasn’t about to go back into the house to search for it. He looked around the front yard from where he was standing, and quickly brought his attention back to Brian, kicking him a couple times before walking off.

He went to the nearest payphone and called Ronnie to come pick him up. He and Jerry met him at a payphone at 91st and Union Hills.

“What the fuck happened to you?” Ronnie asked. “Look like a wildebeest got in your black ass.”

“Just take me home, man,” Eastian said, looking out the window. “Bitch set me up and left me there!”

“You look like eight motherfuckers set you up. Goddamn! Who really got in your ass? What happened man?” Ronnie asked again.

Jerry’s in the front seat with his head turned around – like a kid – just looking back at him.

“Goddamn man, you got an eye problem or what?” Eastian said to Jerry.

“Hell yeah I do, ‘I think you got that ass whooped.”

“Man, whatever. You black motherfuckers just get me home.”

“Nigga, what the hell happened to you and where’s your phone at? Why you calling from a payphone? I almost didn’t answer. That bitch Tia has been calling like crazy.”

Talking in the third person, Ronnie added, “You know, if Ronnie don’t recognize a call, Ronnie don’t answer that call. So what happened to you man? Tell Ronnie.”

“I was with that chic Alexis at a pool party and some cornbread fed white boy approached me. He said I was with his bitch, referring to Alexis. So we traded words for a minute or two, next thing I know, he damn near knocked the black out of my ass, and that’s when we started thumping. I knocked him across his jaw a couple times and the fight went on out front. He body slammed the shit out of me, and his big ass got body slammed, too. Then he hit me with one of them swing around elbows and tried to drop kick me, I dodged that one like a motherfucker, and he got his nuts kicked in, and finally I body slammed his ass over a motorcycle and he went to sleep.”


Took a message

“So where was Alexis while that was going on?” Jerry asked.

“I don’t know where she went, bro. If I did, it still wouldn’t matter. I felt like I was fighting for my life out there,” Eastian. I don’t remember seeing her after that white boy knocked ten niggas out of me. That shit hurt. I don’t even remember losing my phone. But I do know neither was around after it was over. He was sleeping and she was gone; with my phone, I’m guessing.”

“I’m telling you Ronnie, I think I got set up!”

“Why would she set you up, though?” Ronnie said.

“In hindsight, I really don’t know why I was even riding around with her ass in the first goddamn place. Fucking bitch! Where are you black bastards coming from, anyway?”

“I was about to show Scratchy, here – referring to Jerry – a video I made with Susan, until you called,” Ronnie said, laughing again.

“What?” Jerry said. “Is that why you told me to come in the house; so you could show me your fuck tape?”

“Why, yes of course, feathered one. I wanted to show you the ‘Ronnie Holloway All-Star Game’, starring me and Susan; mainly just the highlights though. I was blowing the tires out on that bitch. I don’t need you niggas studying my techniques. Shit is patented. I was deep in her ass, Jerry. Long dicking her.”

Holding his hands about four feet apart, Ronnie continued, “Nigga, my dick is about that long and I be fucking’em like they stole something from me.”

He looked at Eastian in the rear view mirror, “Nigga you steal something from me?” and started laughing again.

“Jesus Christ,” Eastian said. “What the fuck is all that scratching about?”

“Man, the nigga fell into some bad cactus the other night. Don’t pay it no attention, he’ll be alright,” Ronnie added.

They finally pull around to Eastian’s house, and sitting in the driveway was Alexis. He tried to get out the car but Ronnie had the safety locks on.

“Nigga what the fuck. How do you have the child-safety locks on and you never have your damn kids? Let me out this motherfucker, man.”

Looking out the window like a trapped dog, pointing at Alexis, Eastian yelled, “Don’t you go anywhere, you bitch! Wait until I get out of this piece of shit car!”

“Ronnie! Nigga, you going to let me out or what!? Goddamn!”

“Yeah, piece of shit, huh? Well this piece of shit won’t pick your black ass up again. Believe that shit,” Ronnie said.

He got out and ran to Alexis’ car door and started beating on the glass.

“I can’t believe you left me at that goddamn party. Did you set me up? Did you have that white boy pose as your fucking boyfriend? I ought to drag your ass out of this fucking car. You have some nerve, sitting in my fucking driveway like you’re waiting to come inside or some shit. You need to get the hell on away from here, Alexis. Did you take my phone, too?”

She reached down in her purse, staring quietly up at him, with a slight grin. Handing him his phone, she said, “Oh, I took a message from Lynne for you. Check your texts.”


These city fleas

Smiling at him, she said, “Great conversation we had, she apparently thought I was you! So you better go wash up; she’s expecting you tonight! By the way; you look like shit. How is Brian?”

“Well, by the time you get your dumb ass back over there, he should be waking up! Yeah, I laid his ass out across a motorcycle. It was probably his, had a goddamn lion painted on the right side. Now get the hell on away from here before I paste the back of my hand across your goddamn face!”

“Oh, fuck you, Eastian!” she said and drove off.

Having watched the drama unfold between the two of them, Ronnie just shook his head and told him, “If you had ordered my audio book, you would’ve known by now, how to handle and train women like that. That girl was out of alignment. I would’ve slapped the nickels out of her ass for talking like that. What you have on your hands is a product of your own poor management. Not one of my bitches would ever think of no shit; let alone, do any shit like what she did. Eastian, you’re weak. Straighten that pretty motherfucker out, or release her.”

“The problem isn’t her, man, she’s acting the way all these bitches act. The problem is you, you dumb bastard. You aint fucking her right! Not one of my girls would’ve pulled that shit in front of my boys; or nowhere else. You need to control her, and you can do that with your dick; you do have one, don’t you? You need to figure out how to use it. When they behave like you expect them to, then you reward these city fleas. But when they behave like her, you have to stop’em in their tracks. Otherwise they’ll run a Jesse Owens on your black ass. I thought I taught you better than that.”

Reaching down into his pockets for his car keys, Ronnie looked at Jerry and said, “Get your itchy ass in the car, man. I’m taking you home. The more I talk to you two black mothafuckas, about these women, the dumber I get! Eastian, Call me later on man, and go clean yourself up, you making me look bad right now.”

He turns his stereo up and they drive off.

Eastian looked down at his cellphone, and then himself. He took a deep breath, turned around and headed inside.


Mr. Phelps

It’s ten o’ clock in the morning and the phone was ringing. He reached over to answer it and knocked a glass of water off the night stand instead. It rang again; and twice after that. He still hadn’t gotten himself together, and so the answering machine kicked on.

“Good morning, Mr. Phelps, this is Dr. Sansa calling about your test results. Hope you are well today. Listen, I need you to contact me back immediately.”

“This is imperative. You are required by law to turn yourself in to the proper authorities. If you fail to do so, you will be considered a fugitive. You have my number and I’ll wait for your call. Goodbye, Mr. Phelps.”

He laid there on his stomach, eyes wide open, totally awake, with his head half way under the pillow, thinking, “What the fuck is that about? Turn myself in? But I didn’t do anything. Holy shit!”

The woman lying next to him is woken up by the phone call also.

“Honey, why do you have a doctor calling you at ten o’clock in the morning? Is there something wrong or something that I need to know, baby? You can tell me,” she said.

“Did you kill someone? If you did, I won’t tell anyone. Who did you kill, sweetheart?”

He looked over at her with a ‘bitch, go back to sleep’ look, and turned his attention back to the answering machine. He took a deep breathe, rubbing his eyes and said, “Look, I may have herpes, honey.”

She started screaming hysterically. He reached over, grabbed her by her neck and in a low whisper, ripe with morning breath, he said, “You better shut the fuck up, right now!”

With her neck still between his hands, he looked away from her, and down at his genitals, only to see several dozen tiny holes on the shaft of his dick yawning like tiny baby mouths. He looked back at her and said, “Don’t you wake my herpes up with all that goddamn screaming, Shut it! Shut your mouth right goddamn now!”

His alarm goes off again, he woke up terrified, looked at the clock and the display said 4:17am. He stood up and looked down into his boxers; checking the situation down below.

“What the fuck was that dream about?” he thought. He’d been going through the motions over this whole STD debacle; and the constant itching he’d been dealing with seemed to be tinkering with his sanity. He hasn’t spoken to Shaun in days and was on edge waiting for the doctor to call him back with the results. He laid back down and stared up at the spinning ceiling fan wishing he had never met her; terrified of any phone calls he didn’t recognize. Eventually he fell back to sleep.


Courtyard lunch

The alarm on his iPhone went off. It was a quarter to five in the morning and he squirmed around in his California king bed, cussing up a storm.

“Oh, shut the fuck up, you annoying piece of shit. I hate you!”

It’s Wednesday, and it’s raining outside.

“This is great, just what I need; another goddamn day of rain. I love being soaking wet, running from courthouse to courthouse, not to mention the jailhouse, filing motions for dumb motherfuckers and meeting new motherfuckers because of new dumb shit that they do. How did I even decide to become an attorney?”

He reached for the remote and turned the flat screen on. “Do I even want to know what’s in the news today?”

Putting his black Nautica robe on, he headed into the butler area of the kitchen and brewed up a K-cup.

Logging onto his laptop to email some docs to Dani, his secretary, a text message came in, and it was Shelley. They haven’t spoken in a few weeks, she can be a bit overbearing, which is not his comfort zone.

“What the hell is she texting about at five in the morning? I can’t stand this nagging ass girl. Shit!”

This is his state of mind every morning except Saturday; on Sunday he has to start preparing for more of the deviant bullshit of new clients. Looking at the message, he dropped his cup of coffee and was now standing in a puddle of hot coffee and broken glass. What was the message he saw? What’d she say to him?

“Good morning, honey. How are you? I haven’t heard from you in a few weeks. Hope all is well. I know you’re up and about to hit the shower. I just wanted to tell you that I’m pregnant. When do you want me to move in? xoxo. I’m so excited. Talk to you soon. Hugs and kisses.”

It’s not even 5:30 yet and sunrise isn’t until 6:15. Under his breath he thrusts, “This is bullshit. Aint no way in hell she’s carrying anything by me. Fuck that!”



Having forgotten all about the coffee, he sprinted back to his room, sat on the edge of the bed, and very quickly sent a message back to her.

“Good morning Shell, I think your text message was intended for someone else. All is well for me. I guess one of us has been pretty busy lately. Anyhow, I just want to say congratulations on the news, and whoever the daddy is. Take care of yourself and be safe. See ya around, sometime.”

He tossed the phone on the nightstand and pulled the covers up over his head, mumbling, “Chic must be crazy. Can’t blame me for world population, I only have one child.”

The snooze button went off fifteen minutes later, and he threw the blankets back, heading to the shower, thinking about her text message.

“This is unbelievable.”  He stepped out of the shower and heard his phone buzzing; praying that it wasn’t her. Dripping wet, in a Turkish towel, he looked at it, and she’s hit the roof.

“Uh, no Laurence, you aren’t pulling that denial shit with me! I know who I’ve been with all year. You motherfucker! Be a man and deal with it. You’re going to be a daddy again. Now, my original question, asshole; when do you want me to move in, you piece of a piece of shit!?”

In the mirror brushing his teeth, with paste suds around his mouth, he said, “No, no, no! I don’t need this right now,” but in the back of his mind, he knew very well that, if she is pregnant, it’s be a strong likelihood that it’s by him. He doesn’t want to be with her in that way; but as a play thing, certainly so. She fits the bill for his sexual appetite.

He was now staring down a bigger barrel, so to say, and forced to come to terms with the possibility that he might be dealing with her for a very long time. He’s always been skeptical and a bit fearful of women and what their true intentions really amounted to; especially when it comes to men like him, who are in top professions.

Yet and still, he always understood that every woman wants a man who has the ability to offer different levels of security and who has his own shit together. The only problem is, since he’d entered his profession, he’s had a hard time deciphering who’s who and who wants what from him.

But all in all, if she is pregnant by him, whether or not they become something more, he will surely do right by his own flesh and blood.


On the Bluetooth

As for her, and pertaining to her, his self-preservation mechanism had already kicked in, just in case she was up to something shady.

Putting his tie on, he thought, “Well, I can’t just avoid her now, I’ll call her when I get in the car.”

He did a quick walk-through, making sure everything was off and everything else was locked. He walked into the pantry for something he could eat on the commute, and realized he’d forgotten about the coffee spill still there on the floor.

“Shit! Something must be trying to tell me to stay home!” He cleaned the floor and out the door he went.

In the car now, he called her on the Bluetooth.

“Hey baby,” she said.

“Hey what’s going on with you? What’s the deal? All this pregnant stuff,” he asked. “You know, we haven’t spoken in about 3 weeks. So what am I to believe here? What am I supposed to think?”

“Well first of all,” she said. “I think we need to have this discussion face to face. Second of all, I haven’t been anywhere else, regardless of what you want to think. Third of all, you weren’t concerned about me being pregnant when you were filling me up with your man-jam were you? Did you think you were that good that I wouldn’t come up pregnant? You know I’m fertile murtle. I think we should do lunch? When do you go to lunch?”

“Whoa, whoa! Goddamn, wait a minute. You said you were on the pill? Were you lying or something? What the fuck?”

“Well I was, but I didn’t like how it made me feel, so I stopped taking them. I thought I told you, baby.”

“You aint told me shit about shit. You think I’m stupid or what? You know goddamn well…hold on for a second, I’m at Starbucks.”

“Yeah, can I get a Venti caramel Frappuccino with extra caramel? That’ll be all.”

“Okay, I’m back. Shelley, you know goddamn well, you never told me shit about going or being off the pill. Do you think I’m stupid? Like I don’t remember shit you tell me? Do you think for one instance that I want another child? Really? I’m content with the way my life is going. Now you just expect me to be all excited about you possibly having my child? No, I’m not happy about any of this. I’m devastated.”

“You piece of shit,” she fired back. “Do you think I’d trap you like that? Really, Laurence?”

“Well,” he said, “Considering the fact that you stopped taking the pill – AND – you just tried to lie to me a hot second ago, saying that you told me, as though it was some sort of disclaimer. Yes I actually do think you are trying to trap me!”

“Nice! Just fucking nice, Laurence,” as her tone got emotional. “I can’t believe you.”

“Listen Shelley, why don’t we meet at the courtyard on Washington Street and do lunch at Sonoma’s around one o’ clock. I have a motion to file, so I’ll already be down there anyway?”

“This is going to take more than a phone call and a drive in commute for me. I’ll text you when I’m almost done. Later!”

He hung up on her.


A teaspoon of pleasure

“Hey doc, it’s Jerry. How’s it going? What’s the verdict?”

“Yes, Mr. Phelps. I was just getting ready to call you. So, your test results came back negative and you should feel like a new man today. Congratulations.”

“Whew! All this waiting around for the results has put me through some real changes, ya know?”

“Well, Mr. Phelps, actually, it wasn’t the waiting that put you through those changes. It was your own decision making and reckless behavior. You’re thinking with the wrong head. I will also add this, a teaspoon of pleasure is never worth the cup of grief you’ll go through later, and on that note, sir, I shall end this call.”

“Oh, one more thing, before I let you go. About that discussion we had the other day, when do you want me to come over?”

“Well let’s see, here…can you be at 41738 N. Morningside around a quarter to seven this evening?”

“Not a problem,” Jerry said. “Do you need me to bring anything?”

“Nope, just bring that black mamba. My wife will be expecting it. Don’t let me down, Mr. Phelps. Have a good day, sir.”

Re-holstering his phone and feeling spared, Jerry turned the volume on the football game back up and cut into a plate of waffles he had on the coffee table. A text message came in halfway through his breakfast, and it was Shaun. But for the time being he dismissed it. A few minutes later his phone rang. It was her, again. Reluctant to answer, he did anyway.

“Yeah Shaun, what’s up?”

“I heard you met my father, a couple days ago,” she said.

“I suppose you could say that. Why?”

“Well, he called me, which I’m presuming that, after finding out who he was through your man-conversations, you gave that bastard my number! Why?”

“Whoa, now! Don’t call my phone questioning me about what the fuck I do. Who the fuck died and made you queen of the land? Let me tell you something, dumb ass girl, if you had been a little more open about your condition…”

“Oh kiss my ass, motherfucker. I don’t have a condition! It’s a situation, dickhead!” she interjected.

“Wow. Shaun, you truly are special, aren’t you? Just a glittering jewel of remarkable stupidity. Now as I was saying,” he continued, “If you had been a little more considerate of me, about your condition, I mean, your situation, I would’ve never met your fuckin’ dad, because I wouldn’t have fucked you to begin with. But no, you were too selfish to even think about how it might impact me. And the fucked up thing about it was you knew the whole time what I was walking in to.”

“Yeah asshole, you walked into some good pussy. You’ll never find pussy this good anywhere,” she said.

“Yeah, you got that shit right. I’ll make a right turn in the left lane before I park anywhere near that kind of ‘good pussy’,” he said.

“But it gets better. Guess what? You missed. I don’t have shit. Therefore, I aint subscribing to your herpes convention. I’m clean as a whistle, but I’m sure you’re not too happy about that, right? You should go poke your eyes out and die in the dark. Take yourself out of the gene pool, nasty bitch! Don’t call me again. I’m not interested.”

Pissed off, missing the football game, and staring at cold waffles, he hung up on her and threw the phone across the room.


Black Mercedes

“Hi baby, this is Ronnie. Call me. I need to long dick you tonight, honey. I need some more money, baby. This is the way it works. Dick. Dollars. Dick dick. Dollars dollars. Okay, so call me back, I’m out stroking the streets. I love you.”

Riding through the Biltmore area of Northeast Phoenix, he just pulled out of the parking lot of the Big and Tall men’s store driving a black Mercedes. Sitting in the outside left turn lane at a red light on Camelback and 24th street, with his hand high on the steering wheel, leaning to the right about thirty degrees, he pretended he hadn’t noticed the older white woman in the Audi A8 to his right, looking directly at him.

She hit her horn to get his attention, and waved when he casually looked over at her. This is how he reels them in. It’s not even the beginning. “Hey honey, do I know you?”

She smiled and gestured a “come here” motion with her finger. Not thinking a second time about it, when the light turned green for her lane, he pulled out of his lane and sped up behind her, turning into the shopping center. She stopped in the middle of the parking lot for the Cheesecake Factory and watched him swing the black Mercedes around her, facing the opposite direction.

“Hello handsome,” she said.

“My, my, my…” speaking in the third person, “What has Ronnie discovered for himself today? Goodness!”

“My name is Angela.”

“Angela, if I didn’t know any better I’d think you were hitting on me back there at the light?”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t know any better, Mr. Ronnie. You have a girlfriend somewhere special?”

“Not unless you’re talking about yourself pretty lady. Do you have a man to call your own?”

“No. But if I did what would that prove, you sexy, chocolate man?”

Very impressed by her wit, he asked, “When can we take this introduction a bit further, beautiful?”


No drinks, no sex

“Well, depends on how much gas and time you have, sexy man. Nice set of wheels you’re driving, too. I’ll tell you what, here’s my business card. Call me real soon and let’s start with lunch, just in case I don’t like you afterwards,” she said, winking at him.

“Well, I’m sure we’ll do dinner too,” he winked back.

“Well that certainly sounds good, mister. Hopefully I will get to talk to you some more, and you’re not just talking,” she said.

“Oh, I’m sure you will.”

She drove away leaving Ronnie very intrigued. Getting back into his car, he looked around at the stores in the shopping center, and he spotted a bookstore. Thinking to himself, “Let me go on and take my ass in and see if Shaun’s here.” He hadn’t seen her in 14 years.

Opening the door, he walked in with a stride of confidence, like he commanded all energy. A chime filled the acoustic space, and coming around a row of New Age selections, was Shaun chewing gum, carrying a stack of new releases.

“Oh my god, is that you Ronald?”

She immediately set the new releases down.

“Goddamn girl, who else would I be if I wasn’t me? You know how the big dog does it when he do it. I see you still running this raggedy ass bookshop. You still looking good, though. How’s that round ass on you? I ain’t had one drop of pussy as good as yours in ages.”

“Yeah, it’s still there, and then some.”

“Yeah, I bet!” he said to himself, thinking about what Jerry told him.

“So what brings you to my bookstore, I know you don’t read anything that don’t have anything to do with your millionaire pipedreams. Are you still lying to them white cougar bitches?”

“You goddamn right, I am. That’s where the money is.”

“Anyway, I’m just out and about, stroking the city. Just bought a black Mercedes. I was in the area so I wanted to see if you were still here, aint nothing to it.”

“Yeah, well I beg to differ,” she said.

“I think there is something to it. If you’re in the Biltmore, there’s probably a whole lot to it.”

“Well alright girl, nigga gotta keep moving. Ya know what I mean, baby? I’m a whole lot of ingredients that don’t settle. You dig?”

“You’re still crazy as ever, I see. Take care, Ronnie,” she said, “Good to see you again, baby.”

“Take care of yourself too,” he said, and out the door he went.

Standing in the main walkway of her store, she watched him get into the Mercedes and drive off.

Susan called him back, finally.

“Goddamn, Susan! Woman, when I call you, you need to always think it’s something important, because when it’s the most beloved individual Ronnie Holloway, you need to understand that it probably is something important. I don’t like waiting around for no return calls. I got too much shit going on. Anyhow, what’s up baby?”

“Where do I start?” she said.

“Let’s see, well, it was nice of you to have stood me up the other night. It makes me think the world of you. No call, no text, no drinks and certainly no sex! Ronnie why do you continue to bullshit people, specifically me? Why can’t you just commit to one thing and go through with it? Do what you say you’re going to do, ya know?”

“Why can’t you just be straight with your intentions? Why can’t you be honest about shit? I mean, you show up over here that night, and you basically rob me, my girls and your own friend. Your own damn friend, Ron! Jesus Christ. Shit, I was surprised you didn’t steal my goddamn duck; she’s worth at least a couple grand…if you know who to take her to. But I’m really not sure where the duck is. I’ve been so busy.”

“Baby, I didn’t steal anything from you or anyone else. Did you ask James?”

“Ronnie, there you go bullshittin’ me again. Do you ever own up to your trifling ways. Jesus Christ, honey, I make a six-figure income, I live very well. I could pay you a thousand dollars a week to do nothing and still afford the shit I have. You don’t have to steal from me nor do I need anything from you. You know I love you to pieces. I could change your whole world, baby.”

“The money you ask for is nothing to me, which is why I always give you what you want. I’m not calling to rip you a new asshole, baby. I’m calling to ask you to be straight with me, or else I’m closing this door in my life. I’m also calling to ask you to come over this evening for some you and I time. If you don’t, then fine, I get it, I won’t ask anymore. But if you say you will, and you stand me up again, honey, don’t even think of calling me again. I’m going to start holding you accountable to your bullshit until you see that I’m in your corner and want the best for you. So what’ll it be, are you gonna bring me some dick tonight or not?”

“Goddamn right, I am. I’ll be over there around 7. Have that ass hanging out for a nigga, too.”


Laurence’s Secretary

The lunch date with Shelley hadn’t gone over so well. It was a total waste of time for them both. Laurence was in the elevator of his law office heading back up for the last appointment on his schedule. He walked in, greeted Dani, his secretary, and went directly to his office and slammed the door shut. Dani’s from Omaha, Nebraska. She’s been working with him for roughly eight months. They have an outstanding work chemistry, she keeps him organized like none other can do. Basically his work wife. However today, she noticed he wasn’t on his normal stride. So she knocked on his door and walked in, finding him with his head down on the desk.

Standing over him in an oasis skirt, blouse and fuchsia colored Betsey Johnson pumps, she said, “Client will be here in forty-five minutes.”

Lifting his head off the desk, he said, “Hey Dani, I have a developing personal matter going on, and I need a woman’s opinion on it, or just some insight. Can I bounce something off you really quick? Do you have a minute?”

She leaned back against the filing cabinet, with her arms crossed and said, “Yeah, I suppose so. What’s going on?”

“There’s this girl I’ve been seeing for several months now, and we’ve never used protection, but somehow, I’m still a little skeptical about her intentions. Anyhow,” pulling his phone out, “This is one of the text messages she sent me this morning.”

Showing her the messages, she said, “Oh my god! She sent this, this morning!?”

“Sure did. Do you think she’s up to anything?” he asked

“Well, to be honest,” Dani said, “I can’t really make much of it because I don’t know anything about her. This is the first time you’ve talked to me about anything that wasn’t work related.”

“Yeah, I hear you. Okay, so then let me give you some history about her.”

He gave her a short version of how he and Shelley met and their usual interactions, and she said, “All things considered, you have to wonder how she might be looking at you, given that you’re an attorney, which means you probably make a very impressive income, and that income does provide a significant amount of security, not to mention a wonderful livelihood, and many other things.”

“So in my best opinion,” Dani added, “and understand that this is all it is, you still have to decide which road you’ll take. I think that perhaps she’s after the lifestyle that you can afford her. She does seem a little shallow, though. I mean, just by what you told me. You said she’s always talking about the things she wants and places she wants to go, and some day having lots of children with a man who will take care of her, right? Well, doesn’t it make sense that she’s trying to get that lifestyle through you?”


Breeding resentment

“You definitely have a point there,” he said. “I just wasn’t sure if I’d been in my own head too long. So you think I should wait and get a test done?”

“Oh of course. Definitely,” she said.

“If you’ve been having unprotected sex, definitely wait. Think about it, what’s the rush? There aren’t any screaming children around yet, so you shouldn’t feel pressured or obligated by her sense of urgency. In fact, what is she trying to achieve by wanting to move in with you so soon?”

“As a woman, and knowing how women can think, if I were you, I wouldn’t let that conversation go any further than a ‘no’. I wouldn’t even entertain her for another second on that subject. You have to have it in yourself to want to let her move in to your personal space like that. Otherwise it’ll breed resentment, and I don’t care how many children you might have with her or eventually want with her, if you resent her, then you’ll regret the decisions you’ll have made that weren’t your own.”

Dani hasn’t let on to him that she’s interested in him; however, business and pleasure tend to not mix very well. The front office phone rang and she excused herself to go answer it.

“Law offices of Laurence Ollo, This is Dani.”

The client was downstairs trying to find the right floor. “Just come up to the 3rd floor. Suite 8, left side of the hall, right past the drinking fountain. Okay, that’s fine. See you soon.”

Hanging the phone up, she went back to his office and made a suggestion.

“Hey, real quick, what do you say we go get some appetizers after this appointment and talk about this there? Our client is in the building.”

“Sure, that’s cool. Go ahead and seat them when they come in. I’m going to the restroom.”

“Sure thing,” she said.

“Oh, hey Dani. Thanks for letting me vent a little. I appreciate it.” She smiled and closed the door.


30 on pump 6

Leaving for lunch after discussing a few issues with the project manager, Eastian passed through the guard shack, waved at a couple co-workers and headed to the Chandler Fashion Square for a bite to eat. Alexis has been crossing his mind a little more than usual, and he’s had the urge to text her to see how she’s doing, but his stubbornness is quicker to the punch. He held off from the temptation a little longer, thinking maybe she’d reach out to him first.

Eating Chinese food at the food court, bird watching, another LBM term for watching women walk by, he decided to give her a call. Her phone rang only once and then went right to voicemail. He tried her again as he headed back to work, and again, no answer, just a quick ring and a voicemail.

“I see what’s going on, I’m getting the voicemail treatment today,” he said to himself.

He sent her a text message, but after a few minutes he still hadn’t heard back from her.

“Fuck it. I’m not about to keep calling and texting this girl. She’s in the wrong for the shit she pulled.”

His internal oratory was sounding more like a guilty conscience for chewing her out, or maybe since he hadn’t heard from her in a few days, he was in need of sexual release. Giving up on the effort, he put the phone in the armrest and turned the music up.

Across the street from his job was a gas station. With a few minutes still on his lunch hour, he pulled in to the automated car wash, coming out the other side clean as a whistle, then pulling up to pump six, he got out, and another car pulled up on the opposite side; pump seven, and Michael got out. He saw Eastian and came around to him.

“Aye mu’afucka. Where the fuck you been? You hiding or something?”

“What up Mike? Man, I’ve been working my ass off, bro. I ain’t seen yo’ black ass since the night at the bar. You got any new bitches you can spare a nigga? I just had to fire one of mine the other day,” he said, referring to Alexis.


Fountain Hills, Arizona

“Bitch tried to set me. I beat the shit out of that motherfucker she had waiting, too.”

“Yeah, Ronnie was telling me about that. He said him and Jerry had to pick you up from a payphone out on the avenues. But look, check it out, I got a friend I just met, right…” and before Eastian knew what was happening, Michael had his index and middle fingers up under Jerry’s nose. He must have just finished fingering some chic, because the smell of her fruit was freshly under his nails.

“Watch that shit man. I don’t know where your nasty ass fingers been, and trim them goddamn nails!”

Mike started laughing, “Shut yo’ ass up, ole’ sorry ass dog. Check it out, ole’ girl I just met said she has a couple of girls flying in tonight, and they want to party with some brothas.”

“Bring your black ass on around here and let me introduce you to her. They all white girls, too. I know how you like them snowbunnies.”

Following him around to his car, Michael tapped the passenger window; the tint is too dark to see in. “Come on girl, bring that pretty ass out the car, looking cute and shit. I want you to meet one of my buddies.”

The door opened, and pulling down her skirt was Alexis.

“I was just telling him that you have some friends coming in this evening and they want have a good time. Baby, this is my one of my peoples. He’s a good dude. Eastian, this is my future wife, Alexis. A pretty mothafucka, right? Baby, gon’ get back in the car unless you want to pump the gas with that sexy ass.”

“I hope your girls are as sexy as you, honey,” Eastian said.

“Of all the mothafucka’s in Phoenix she could have met, why the fuck did she have to meet a nigga that I know?” he thought. “In my nigga’s front seat, getting juiced.”

As far as he was concerned, this might also help explain why she hadn’t answered his phone calls or returned any of his text messages.

The LBM motto is, “My next might be yo’ ex”, so he couldn’t show his vulnerable side, so he played the situation as it was.

Jokingly, Eastian said, “If this Michael don’t treat you right, just call me.”

She quickly got back in and closed her door tight.

“Alright man, we’re heading to the mall. I dropped my dick down her ass last night, and she taking me shopping. She loves it in her ass too, bro. I fucked the shit out of her and then she swallowed my dick for an hour. We got up this morning and she made a nigga some breakfast, butt naked at the stove, sausage grease poppin’ on her titties and shit. She’s a real freak nasty, man. I felt like a king, too. She’s a good girl, she just need the right mu’afucka to bring it out of her.”

The entire time he was talking, Eastian was in another space and time. He felt like a hole had been knocked in his chest, ripping him apart inside, but Michael kept on with the details. Eastain was well beyond his lunch hour, but felt compelled to stand there and listen to his friend gloat about the bitch in the front seat.

“Man, this girl got a big ass house up in Fountain Hills. Bet I don’t get in that big mothafucka. She already gave me a key. I might try to marry this mothafucka. But that’s not even the coldest part, though. I get out to her house and walk into the kitchen, she had a bank receipt that had something like eight numbers behind the dollar sign, big numbers too. Nigga this chic is gon’ give me what I want, and when the fuck I want it. Knowing how much money she got, I can’t afford to make any distinctions between my needs and my wants. A woman like this, with a bank account longer than train smoke, don’t come around everyday. I might decide to turn in my player card. Alright man, I’m out. I’ll call you later on, when her girls get in. Just make sure your black show up. I’m finna go fuck this girl one more time today. So if you don’t get a call from me, you know why. Peace.”

Slowly walking around the back of his car, looking at the receipt from the gas pump; he slithered back into his car, resting his head on the headrest, chewing the inside of his cheek, reflecting on the last conversation they had and watching her drive off with his friend. He put his seatbelt on and drove across the street, back to work.


Applebee’s sounds good

After meeting with the new client on a burglary case, Laurence walked out to the front area and said, “Dani, yeah, I don’t know about this case. He’s already given the arresting officer information that incriminates his dumb ass, and now he’s trying to retain legal counsel. He screwed himself. Anyhow, let me know when you’re ready to go eat. I don’t care where, let’s just go somewhere. I’m having a drink, too.”

“I’ll be done in two seconds, shutting down now. Do you want me to drive, since you already drive in from Queen Creek, everyday?” She said.

“Heck yeah I do. Remember I said I was having a drink?”

She squinted at him and said, “But of course, how could I have forgotten so quickly?”

They request a big table in the rear of the restaurant and he ordered a crown and seven and she asked, “So do you like this girl or is it just a physical thing?”

“Well when I first met her, she seemed like she had potential to be girlfriend material and maybe even a wife at some point. But as time went on, I started seeing red flags, noticing things about her that I didn’t like, not to mention all the stuff she told me about her last relationship, not that I’m calling whatever we have between us a relationship. She’s a stage five clinger, and horrible with money, not to mention always caught up in somebody else’s business. I’m not that kind of person. I mean, me and my buddies talk and whatnot, but this girl will invite herself to drama that doesn’t concern her. She’s always in somebody’s mix somewhere. I never saw those things in her in the beginning. I think she introduced me to her representative.”

“Well, what do you mean by that? Her representative?” Dani asked. “What is that?”

“Okay so, a person’s representative is the part of the person that the other person sees and meets at first,” he explained.

“So they haven’t seen the real character yet, right? The real character comes out further down the line when the roots have been put down, if you know what I mean. So in other words what I’m saying is, when we met, who she was, was just an act. That is, until we had our first disagreement, and she flipped the script on me, and I kid you not, we were going back and forth in my living room and at one point I closed my eyes…and Dani, I swear on my life, it felt like I was arguing with a black woman. I can’t take that shit, man. So anyhow, that’s when I knew, anything between her and I, beyond that exchange, was only going to be physical. I have no intentions on taking things with her any further.”








“Oh, I understand. But if you knew this, or felt this way about her, why would you even continue seeing her? Why would you continue having sex with her knowing she could get pregnant?”

“Well, she was on the pill, but then told me today she decided to stop taking them a while back, and had the nerve to tell me that she thought she told me. I’m like, you never told me shit.”

“And you believed her when she said that?”

“Well yeah, I guess so. The other reason why I guess I kind of resigned myself to her is because I don’t get out too much. I like my nights and weekends…..


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