Episode 11 – Closet Door

Have I told you guys that this shit is random? This whole podcast thing. Have I told you guys that it’s all random? We’re just hanging, talking about stuff. Then why are ya’ll acting like it isn’t? I talk about everything.

Anyway, I’m gonna share something with you guys. Don’t laugh at me. This is serious beans right here. Ya’ll know I’m recording this episode during the day, with the windows open, YES! And all the lights on, right? Well of course you wouldn’t know that, it’s just a figure of speech, man. C’mon.

But seriously, I have to do this episode by the daylight. I don’t even like the TV being off, it’s too quiet. I hate silence, it’s too loud.

Let me ask a question. How many of you guys sleep with the closet door open?

How many of you guys sleep with all the lights out? I mean every goddamn light in the house is off.

It’s just you and the fabric of night.  How many of you can handle that much darkness and that much silence?

Well look here. I have a most active imagination ever. The most ridiculous thoughts occur to me.

How many of you sleep in total darkness, the closet door open, and your bedroom door closed?

If someone gave me a million dollars to sleep in a dark house, no sound and the closet door wide open, I would honestly turn that shit down. I just cannot deal with those variables.

Oh, how many of ya’ll sleep on your backs?

See let me explain something. I cannot sleep on my back. I feel too vulnerable. And let me tell you why; I might just wake up in the middle of the night, on my back. I’ll open my eyes, and some will be right there in my face smiling like a motherfucker at me. Now, if my bedroom door is locked, how the fuck am I gonna be able to get out of there QUICKLY, if I first gotta unlock the damn thing. First of all, I wouldn’t be thinking, all my thinking faculties will have been forgotten. I’m trying to get out of a door that doesn’t seem to unlock and all off my sensibilities gone.

This is why I don’t like my bedroom door closed. Well hold on, not for the reason, I just like it to be open. My closet door cannot-and I repeat-my closet door cannot be open when I go to bed.

But let’s be logical, that closet door ain’t holding shit back, right. I mean think about it. Something that’s been here for thousands of years…do I really think that it’s going to think, “Damn, he closed the closet, we can’t get him now”, hell no, but it’s a mechanism of safety for me.

For those of you who sleep with no hall light on, what is your problem. WHY?

Anyway, I know I’ve watched too many scary movies, and I know that there are probably a dozen people in that room filming that scene. So why in the hell am I tripping about what I’m seeing on TV when the whole scene is actors, directors, light boys, and bestboy grips…you know, all the people in the credits.

I will tell you it’s because I internalize those scenes. I think holy shit, I got to get the hell out of here, and behind me would be a wall that’s cut out like the cartoons because I ran through the motherfucker.

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