Monthly Archives: March 2017

Inappropriate

This morning, Lexie tells me that there’s a kid in her classroom who behaves inappropriately. I’m not going to say his name or anything, but I will speak on his behaviors. So I asked her exactly what it was that this young man was doing in class. She tells me that one of her other friends was having the same issue with this kid until she asked to be moved away from him. So now this kid is messing with Lexie. What he’s doing is putting his hands down his pants, rolling his eyes around and making inappropriate sounds and though he’s…..well you know.

I said, “Well, how long has he been doing this in class?” She says he’s been carrying on like this for quite some time.

I asked her if she’s brought it up to her teacher or the principal, and she said that she talked to her teacher, but that the teacher didn’t do anything because she didn’t see the kid behaving this way.

It really infuriated me that her teacher simply blew her off like it’s no big deal. So today, I went to the school and spoke with the Dean of Students before the first bell rang, and to my surprise, there’s already a list of complaints about this kid. I should have

This morning, Lexie tells me that there’s a kid in her classroom who behaves inappropriately. I’m not going to say his name or anything, but I will speak on his behaviors. So I asked her exactly what it was that this young man was doing in class. She tells me that one of her other friends was having the same issue with this kid until she asked to be moved away from him. So now this kid is messing with Lexie. What he’s doing is putting his hands down his pants, rolling his eyes around and making inappropriate sounds and though he’s…..well you know.

I said, “Well, how long has he been doing this in class?” She says he’s been carrying on like this for quite some time.

I asked her if she’s brought it up to her teacher or the principal, and she said that she talked to her teacher, but that the teacher didn’t do anything because she didn’t see the kid behaving this way.

It really infuriated me that her teacher simply blew her off like it’s no big deal. So today, I went to the school and spoke with the Dean of Students before the first bell rang, and to my surprise, there’s already a list of complaints about this kid. I should have requested the Dean of Students talk with the teacher to make sure that all students in her classroom have a voice and not feel like they can’t bring their concerns to them.

Before I met with the DoS, I asked Lexie if she wanted to be in the room with us. She said she didn’t because another student told her that the Dos wanted her to describe the sounds this kid was making while his hands were stuffed down his pants, and Lexie didn’t want to do all that. I was surprised when the DoS asked me if I knew of any specific sounds this kid was making. I said yeah, but I’m not going to provide any demonstrations. It was very odd. I mean what does it matter what sounds this kid is making when he’s engaging himself in the learning environment, making other students feel uncomfortable? What the hell is going on in the homes of some of these kids? If nothing else, this kid isn’t understanding any of the social cues that might tell him, “Hey, what you’re doing isn’t appropriate or respectful. Please stop.”

Anyway, rant closed.

Hair

I called my mom one day to ask her how often she washes her hair. She said she washes it once or twice a week, but definitely on Sunday. The reason why I called her was because I realized Lexie has been washing her hair every day. So after talking to granny, I told Lexie not to wash her hair more than twice a week. I told her that granny [my mom] told me to make sure she wasn’t doing much more than that, as black/mixed hair produces its own oils. Now her mom thinks she should wash it every day because she washes hers every morning. Well I told Lexie that she and her mom have different types of hair, she can wash it five times a day.

So when she stopped washing it so much, it started looking much better, and responding to different black hair oils. One thing I don’t care for about her hair is doing it every Sunday. It just eats up so much of the day, and then to add to that, is the fact that Lexie doesn’t like to sit still for the duration, which is fine with me because I don’t like to stand up over her head for over an hour. I’m impressed at how hairdressers find the motivation to do hair all day.

I do Lexie’s hair because I want her to look presentable at school. She deserves to have her hair done, even though it’s tiresome.

One Sunday, she was in her bathroom trying to straighten her hair by herself, and I kept hearing her say “OUCH!” So I knock on the door to see what progress she’s made, and she’s totally crying because she can’t figure out the whole mirror thing, and-well- her hair was a mess.

I told her from that point, if she wants to do anything to her hair, just flat iron a small section near the front, or twist it. You see, I don’t know hair lingo. I’m only describing my experiences. Anyhow, I don’t know how she’s accumulated so many hair oil products. I did, and still do, advise her not to process her hair. It’ll be cost effective and she won’t have to stay on top of new growth.

Shes Impossible

Zoe will try to wear all her underwear in a single day. She’ll start off with one pair of underwear, and wear those for a few hours, or until she has to go pee. At that point, I guess the fact that she has to pull them down before sitting on the toilet is reason enough to just take the damn things off.  When she puts on a fresh pair, as if the previous pair weren’t, she’ll put on an additional pair, and then she’ll get pissed off because she can’t get into her jeans.

“Well take four or five pair of underwear off and you’ll be able to put your pants on!” I tell her. She really believes in the impossible and will try everything under the sun to get her way; which is to get into every article of clothing no matter the size. I’m not sure how this is going to translate to a good quality later on life if continues to be so stubborn.

When you think about it, it’s really like a grown person trying to put their grown ass foot into a kids shoe, or wearing baby socks. What if grown folks didn’t possess the logic or reason needed to accomplish or understand life’s daily processes?

So I watch Zoe go through her moments with her clothes, and sometimes I just want to get the camcorder and film everything. The problem is, the moment she’s on film, her demeanor changes. So instead I write about her instances of child-dom.

So after she’s given up the struggle with her clothes, and she’s finally decided on something, her room is a mess. Now she’s in another part of the house taking those clothes off, just to run around in ONLY her underwear. I just don’t get it.

I actually think she’s doing this shit on purpose, just to keep me busy doing anything BUT the shit that I’d rather be doing. I don’t ever remember the older two doing any of this, and if I’ve spoiled her, how do you spoil a child to have a fit over their clothes? You understand what I’m saying? You can’t spoil a child to be stubborn in this way. So this is why I think Zoe is her own cartoon. Lacking reason and understanding. She’s impossible to not love, and her stubbornness makes her a wreck, but what do ya do?

Episode 10 – Sweat It Out

Alright so, man, I woke up this morning feeling like I was coming down with something. My throat wasn’t right. It felt sore and scratchy. You know what I mean. The morning thing where your head feels cloudy. I realized that I’d left the bedroom window open, and I was sucking in all that cold midnight air. Well, after I got out the shower, it became a normal morning. I didn’t feel like I was getting sick.

But I want to talk about when I do get sick, which only seems to happen twice a year. Been that way my whole life. It’ll happen in June- I’ll get sick for a few days, and in November, like a week before Thanksgiving. Never fails.

Now, I notice that many people will just lay down when they get sick. I mean they don’t do anything about it, other than take Tylenol cold medicine or Nyquil/Dayquil combination. And that’s it. Eat some soup, just marinate in that situation and let that bug run its course. I think that’s just ridiculous.

I’ve always rested for a day once the flu bug has set up shop and gave me all the business. I’ll actually rest for one whole day. I won’t do anything. I mean, I’ll make myself eat something and drink a bunch of water. But on the second day, I’m up taking sheets off beds, spraying disinfectant, scrubbing everything, doing whatever laundry there is to do. Wiping stuff down; you know remotes, light switches, fridge handles, faucets, door handles, microwave buttons, phone chargers cabinets, the backs of chairs, house phones, cellphones, drawstrings to the blinds, countertops, toilet handles…you get my point. Everything that gets use, video game controllers, anything.

But I also take a vitamin or two. The main one is Zinc, yeah I like Vitamin C, too. But I’ll take a Zinc tablet once a day for a couple days. But I’ve also taken Cod Liver Oil gelcaps for years. Even if I get whatever the kids bring home from school, it’s really just feels like a 24hr bug or a passing allergy. However they’ll go through the motions. I mean whatever they came into contact at school hangs onto their asses for like a week. And check this out, I’ll be around them, might accidentally drink from one of their used cups, not realizing that “oh shit, one of you just drank from this cup.” These kids will breathe on me and everything, but I don’t get much more than a quick stuffy nose…and I’m wondering if it’s just a bit of pollen in the air. Its interesting stuff because I’m so hands on with them, that they can’t figure out how I don’t get sick, too.

With that said, I’m not big on over the counter medicines. I’m not knocking them, I just prefer alternatives. Even with a rare headache I’ll just ride it out and drink alot of water.

That’s just me though. I don’t want you guys to email me asking what the benefits of some other vitamin or spice is, because I’m no holistic treatment provider or otherwise, I’m only speaking about me.

SO I would tell you guys, if you have it in yourselves, when you’ve fallen under the weather next time, to rest for a while, then get on your feet, take a shower and clean house, and don’t forget your zinc and cod liver oil.

Episode 11 – Closet Door

Have I told you guys that this shit is random? This whole podcast thing. Have I told you guys that it’s all random? We’re just hanging, talking about stuff. Then why are ya’ll acting like it isn’t? I talk about everything.

Anyway, I’m gonna share something with you guys. Don’t laugh at me. This is serious beans right here. Ya’ll know I’m recording this episode during the day, with the windows open, YES! And all the lights on, right? Well of course you wouldn’t know that, it’s just a figure of speech, man. C’mon.

But seriously, I have to do this episode by the daylight. I don’t even like the TV being off, it’s too quiet. I hate silence, it’s too loud.

Let me ask a question. How many of you guys sleep with the closet door open?

How many of you guys sleep with all the lights out? I mean every goddamn light in the house is off.

It’s just you and the fabric of night.  How many of you can handle that much darkness and that much silence?

Well look here. I have a most active imagination ever. The most ridiculous thoughts occur to me.

How many of you sleep in total darkness, the closet door open, and your bedroom door closed?

If someone gave me a million dollars to sleep in a dark house, no sound and the closet door wide open, I would honestly turn that shit down. I just cannot deal with those variables.

Oh, how many of ya’ll sleep on your backs?

See let me explain something. I cannot sleep on my back. I feel too vulnerable. And let me tell you why; I might just wake up in the middle of the night, on my back. I’ll open my eyes, and some will be right there in my face smiling like a motherfucker at me. Now, if my bedroom door is locked, how the fuck am I gonna be able to get out of there QUICKLY, if I first gotta unlock the damn thing. First of all, I wouldn’t be thinking, all my thinking faculties will have been forgotten. I’m trying to get out of a door that doesn’t seem to unlock and all off my sensibilities gone.

This is why I don’t like my bedroom door closed. Well hold on, not for the reason, I just like it to be open. My closet door cannot-and I repeat-my closet door cannot be open when I go to bed.

But let’s be logical, that closet door ain’t holding shit back, right. I mean think about it. Something that’s been here for thousands of years…do I really think that it’s going to think, “Damn, he closed the closet, we can’t get him now”, hell no, but it’s a mechanism of safety for me.

For those of you who sleep with no hall light on, what is your problem. WHY?

Anyway, I know I’ve watched too many scary movies, and I know that there are probably a dozen people in that room filming that scene. So why in the hell am I tripping about what I’m seeing on TV when the whole scene is actors, directors, light boys, and bestboy grips…you know, all the people in the credits.

I will tell you it’s because I internalize those scenes. I think holy shit, I got to get the hell out of here, and behind me would be a wall that’s cut out like the cartoons because I ran through the motherfucker.

Episode 12 – Interested

You know, you’d think that in this day and time-with all the available technology-men and women would and should be able to communicate a little better. This episode is intended for the Millenial women, but is a unisex discussion, it applies to men as well because this issue I’m going to talk about isn’t just about women, its just who I’m talking about mainly. Now, some of us men act like we can’t discern the interested eye of a woman.

For men, this is completely different than choosing not to fall into the subtleties of an interested woman. This here is about catching up and getting with the program, so to say. Alright, I get a message from a girl who wants to know is this guy is just being nice or if he’s interested in her?”

Okay, so the rude and unfeeling response is or would be to ‘just fucking ask him’

The more patient and compassionate answer is a little more in depth.

So let us scratch off the rude and unfeeling response and look at some of the cues this guy is emitting that should assist this woman in uncovering the greatest mystery of her life, thus far. Provided he’s straight and only likes women.

She should first consider the fact that the two of them have been texting for months. She should also consider the fact that he texts her every day at the top of the day and at the bottom of the day.

She should also consider the fact that she can call him, and he will listen to whatever the hell she’s telling him. She might talk his ears off, but he’s made time for whatever’s on her mind.

It’s really not that hard to see he’s interested in her, right?  They’ve solidified a strong dialog. Hell yeah he’s interested in her. How can she not be confident and aware of that?

The problem is that women like this – there are millions of these poor souls- don’t ask ask these guys any questions, like what kind of girl are you into or maybe, What type of girl attracts you. These women aren’t confused, they’re just scared of making an assumption. But again, there’s nothing to assume here. He’s showing her all the signs of interest. Again, provided he’s straight.

Women, you millenials, the best way to find out, is to go find out. Ask him to lunch or dinner…go get ice cream. Keep it simple.

Now on the flipside, although it sounds like he’s interested, have you considered the fact that he maybe he isn’t sure if you are? Ladies, you guys aren’t always as obvious about how you feel as you think you are.

Episode 13 – Father’s Daughter

So check this out, I was reading an email from a parent whose daughter came home from college one day and told him he’s a male oppressor. Apparently the daughter is taking gender studies. So the father wants to know if he should stop paying her college tuition. I’m going to venture out on a limb and say he got mad at her without first asking her to explain why she feels this way.

I mean I get his first inclination, but this is his daughter either way and the fact that he’s paying her college tuition means he cares about her, he loves her, and he’s fully invested in her life. My question is, what career is she going to lock down with the indoctrination she’ll acquire? If that were my daughter I’d feel she’s being rude, disrespectful and in a very short time-extremely obnoxious. Oh and let me add “ungrateful”.

Now, I’m thinking maybe she should get a humbling job and then maybe, just maybe, she’ll rethink her degree path and get serious

But on the flipside, even though she’s acting an ass, it might not be practical to punish her by terming her tuition. She’s coming into a whole new world-kind of like Aladdin.  I told him maybe he shouldn’t get upset at her, rather, try not to just because she walked in the door with some bullshit perspective she just picked up at some institution. I mean isn’t she thankful that he brought this far?

Episode 14 – Colleagues

So this girl and her married colleague have gone out for drinks/dinner several times. She wants to know if he, the married colleague is interested in her, even though she their conversations are mostly business. Well first of all, what exactly is MOSTLY? How do you define MOSTLY? And how many dinners do you gotta have to discuss business?

Now my answer is assuming she’s inquiring for an obvious reason, right? Is she game?What do you guys think? I’m gonna go with a YES on this. But before I break all that down I want to say this. Why would she care if he, the married colleague, is interested in her? Does she want to fool around with a married man, whom she also works with? How often does that kind of relationship end well? Where does she think this adventure is going to go?

This is an office romance that’s probably exciting for them both.  She’s going along for the appetizers and a few drinks from time to time, and knowing he’s married tells me she’s just enjoying the adventure.  But then and in theory, she might want what she can’t have. Again, I say in theory.

They can fool around with each other and share a secret no one else knows, and spend lots of time at happy hour inside of weird and cozy places. He can enjoy the spark of another woman and still be home where his wife is waiting for him, and likely not suspecting anything…yet. Until he develops a pattern of ‘working late’.

Im not going to say she’s a homewrecker, he’s the homewrecker, and doing a fine job in secret.. Maybe she should have a moral responsibility. Maybe not. What about his moral responsibility? Where’s the fault line? Under her feet or under his?

Episode 15 – Unique Meals

This guy said that the most unique meal that he ever had was his wife & daughter’s placenta. He went so far as to say it was…grilled… to perfection.

Gross. What’d he do soak it in Caribbean jerk chicken marinade overnight?

He said it tasted like grilled meat with creamy sauce.

What like an Alfredo sauce….Basil, Pesto?

Um, can I order the wife and daughter placenta combo with refried beans, baby carrots, and an apple juice. Sheesh..as if there isn’t already enough junk food every quarter mile in the country Please don’t tell me it tasted like smoked grilled chicken…I happen to like smoked grilled chicken

Some cultures, and many animals eat the placenta, and apparently its pretty common here. The hippies like to have it dried and made into pills that the new mother takes to regulate post-partum hormones.

Well this same guy said that he and his wife just put it in a plastic bag took it home and grilled it.

Hmm, I wonder what the aroma was like, and if there was a breeze in their HOA neighborhood.

Maybe add some Jack Daniels wood chips.

So he said that as he was grilling his human food. Literally spoken, and his neighbor walked by and asked what he was preparing. Said he’d never seen meat shaped like a whoopee cushion.

Yeah, what part of the animal is that..

Let’s see, he said he didn’t tell him but offered him a bite, but before the neighbor could eat it he knocked it out of his hand, saying he couldn’t let him do it.

Yeah, what was he thinking, he cant let another man taste his wife..this man is possessive…

At any rate, the husband said he and his wife didn’t eat the whole thing, just a few bites.

Well that type of dining is not for me.  But I did watch a youtube video, and I gotta tell you, throughout the whole video, my eyes were bulging and poking out of head. It was a spectacle.

Episode 16 – Not the Father

A woman writes, I love my husband, but our kids aren’t his, (wow, shouldn’t she be saying ‘my kids aren’t his). We’ve been married fifteen years, and the kids are eleven and twelve years old.

He’s not their father, and worst part of it all, he doesn’t know it. I married him early and realized I didn’t like domestication, and so I had sex with many other men. I love my man but if I tell him, I’m scared he’ll leave me and the kids emotionally and financially. Any suggestions? (well he should leave your ass. Lady, do you think this is a game? Do you think he’ll magically get those 12 years of his life back? Because you’re thinking about being honest now) I’m not saying he hasn’t enjoyed raising those kids, I’m sure he has. What I’m saying is, what the hell is your problem?

To all you ladies out there, do you know what a man’s worst nightmare is? It’s that shit right there.

There’s more though. Some years later she got DNA tests to confirm that those kids absolutely weren’t his.

Give me a second you guys…and pardon my language.. what a bitch. This is a perfect example of bad character. This is a perfect example of the few, ruining the bunch

Shame on this lady. She’s made a terrible choice, some horrible decisions, Oh, It’s going to shatter some beliefs. It’s going to shatter the foundation of what love and trust is to him.

It’s going to start a life-long quest to find out some truths. She’s earned herself the obligation to tell these kids the truth.  WHO IN THE HELL IS or ARE THEIR FATHERS?

She says she loves her husband. I’m certain this isn’t any of that. She admits to flinging everytime her husband leaves the house. I really try not to judge people, but this shit kills that effort. Oh My God!

This woman should know her husband will not be calm. He is not going to be cool with this shit. He will not hold her hand and say, “It’s okay, honey. You’re just human. It happens.”

He’s not going to do any of that.  She should expect nothing less than solid gold emotion. This here is such a life changer. If he leaves it does nothing useful. The kids have benefited from this lie, though it wasn’t their fault, she’s benefited, too… because she’s scared his finances won’t be available to her if he does.

You know, I just realized something. If he is the named father on the birth certificates then he’s obligated to pay her child support, even though she lied.

Episode 17 – Ladies

Ladies, I need yours ears right now. If your man falls asleep during sex, this does not mean he’s fallen out of love with you. Nor does it mean he’s losing interest. What this means is well, maybe he’s tired. Maybe you guys went out and had too many drinks and now he can’t get it up to roto your rooter. Why must you women think it’s some cause for concern. Why do you think the most extreme of possibilities. The man is tired, drunk, or tired and drunk.

My belief is that if a man isn’t attracted to you, there’s no way the two of you will ever make it to the fitted sheet. So whenever it should happen, or again, let that man go to sleep. The fact that he was tired in the first place, but then tried to satisfy you as much as possible, should be enough for you to not give him a hard time about. Leave his ass alone with that mess. He made the effort. Seriously, he made the effort to have sex. What man in this world will turn down sex with the person he wants it with? You guys need to be a lot more logical about this stuff here. Everything doesn’t have to revolve around an emotion.

Now on the other hand, if he’s trying to go for that second wave of sensation then he might fall asleep before he ever reaches it. That second one is hard to reach, baby. and that might be the one that knocks him out. So if we run with this possibility, what the hell are you complaining about? He already gave you the business, now he’s just trying to reach legend status.

Episode 18 – Gentlemen

Gentlemen gentlemen gentlemen..what’s going on fellas.

Relationships are a serious thing right? I mean two people mutually love each other. They grow and nurture their dynamic. They hit milestones, they make room for each other. They may come from vastly different backgrounds, which on one hand might make things difficult but ultimately they make the effort to strengthen what they feel for each other.

Let’s say you and a girl have been in a relationship with each other for at least a solid year. What the hell lets make it five years for impact. Then one day, she calls or texts, comes over, or you go over to her place, or any number of variations, hell, how about the two of live together…and she tells you that she just doesn’t want to be in that relationship anymore. What do you do? What do you say?

Do you say screw it and let her go? Or do you pursue her like you just can’t stand the pain?

Let’s lay one thing out right now.. Remember I said, “then one day she calls…” So if we take that slice of information and understand that everything as far as you know was fine between the two of you up until then, then what we are looking at is a pretty basic change of heart, right?

My grandfather told me once, that to get over one girl, you must get under another one. Because the new girl will get that other off your mind. He was an ole school, whiskey drinkin’ deuce and a quarter driving, down home blues music kinda of dude. He rolled his own cigarettes. Kept his two dollar whiskey in the cuff of his jeans, and ate seasoned liver in one hand, half of a white onion in the other and between his legs was a loaf of white bread . Some of the most disgusting stuff ever.

Episode 19 – Black men White women

I was doing some laundry this morning and while I was standing there waiting for the last two minutes of the wash cycle to finish, I was reading an article on black men and white women. One of the commenters at the bottom of article explained their point of view. Basically it read..because black men are tired of Black women.

That was the very first line.. LIKE DAMN, OKAY.

And then the commenter said black women have too much attitude, and too much pride. And then added, because they’re loud, ghetto, liars, manipulative, argumentative, spiteful, and just rude.

The commenter further says that even though she’s black, and while physically attracted to Black men, she finds herself attracted to White men on a deeper level– physically AND emotionally—which she says is a completely new territory for her.

For a black woman this certainly breaks stereotypes… It used to be that black women would never date anything but black men, as though it was a bad idea all the way around.

Next she says the men she’s met in her life who have made the greatest impression on her in the most positive way,  just happened to have been White.

And that there is my whole thing. Be with someone who means well and does well, as a person.

Do you believe that it was a black woman commenting?

This is huge. Let me tell you why. I’ve always dated white women. Never cared a damn drop what black women felt about it. Oh this is gonna be good… For the longest time, I got those choice looks from black women, and sometimes I could hear them talking as we walked by.

In fact, I was out at a shoe store with my son, he was all of one or two years old. He was knocked out in the stroller. Well while I was trying on shoes for the both of us, my son and I, a group of about five or six black women walked in. They saw me, and saw me with this stroller with this baby sleep inside of it. Then walk up, like they know me, looking all in the stroller, and one of them said the most stupidest shit. “Uh uh, girl ya’ll know that aint his baby. Dat baby too light skinned.” I almost cussed their asses out..but I kept my cool.

The take away from that was the fact that I was a brotha that stepped outside of my race. Let me say this…date whoever the hell you want to date

Episode 20 – What A Man Likes

We are anywhere and everywhere in this episode..

Let me be the first to say, that yes..I do like a woman with some meat on her bones..never ever too much meat for my potatoes

I’m going to say we men like to see women in heels purely for anatomical reasons. Everyone loves a nice view. When the view is of a woman its her chest, her butt, her thighs, when she’s in heels it’s her leg and thigh muscles. Whether she’s a slim girl, bbw, or she’s a thick girl. There’s a type of woman for every man, and if she’s wearing heels, she’s pulling eyeballs out of sockets. If I even hear the sound of heels, my head turns like the exorcist. There was a research study done on this, because everything needs to be goddamn study right?

Anyway whatever, one researcher studied the changes high heels made to a woman’s stride. So apparently we need a researcher to see that heels alter a woman’s stride length and also to see that heels increase the pelvic tilt and hip rotation. Well if that woman wears Nike’s one day, then high heels the next, any man is going to notice her ass, hips, and thighs that much more. Men don’t need this researcher to tell us what differences we notice. The second we see that woman wearing heels, we start imagining positions being rolled out.

And yes, heels increase a woman’s attractiveness. Is it any surprise that men like their women wearing high heels for that extra kinky business.. HELL NO.